MARIScensored

I miss going home before the sun sets..now, I’m one of the few who stay late at school to finish some tasks..

I miss TV Patrol, both the Mindanao and National telecasts..now, I usually arrive home to discover that the primetime drama shows are already on-air..

I miss the teleserye marathons..now, I sometimes arrive home and see the TV already turned off..

I miss staying in my room with nothing to do but just take photos of myself, just when vanity strikes..now, I don’t want to even capture my haggard state…

I miss staring at the ceiling when I’m so bored..now, there are more important things to do than memorize every line in the ceiling…

I miss eating dinner on time..now, I always eat past dinner time..

I miss getting my full 9 hours of sleep..now, it has become a luxury..

I miss sweet dreams..now, what worse case scenarios tomorrow could bring always visit me at slumberland..

I miss staying at 6th floor during break times, just chatting with my friends about anything under the sun..now, my friends say I’m barely visible to them..

I miss those phone calls from friends and making phone calls to them to talk about topics that are far from ATENEWS matters..now, it’s always about ATENEWS..

I miss having my cellphone loaded just because I want to text people and make chikka with them..now, I get my cellphone loaded to update and check on people..

I miss going to church with my best friends..now, I even missed four Sundays because of the many activities..

I miss looking myself at the mirror and see the reflection of a relaxed girl..now, I always notice that I’m so stressed that it shows in my face!! haha..

I miss my idle, nagtanga, bored moments..now, my to-do list has become kilometric..

I miss the reason why I’ve been this busy now..and that’ it.

I miss my old, normal, less busy self…but I’m not so sure if I want the things I miss back…:)
.
hmmm…

Ayokong isipin na wala.

Last night, tired from all the back-to-school shopping we did, I decided to sleep early but plans have been altered when I shifted my gaze towards the TV and realize that ABS-CBN is actually airing the May 11 Harapan para sa Halalan 2009, a leadership forum for the upcoming 2010 National Elections.

Really, it caught my interest because for weeks now, the current political situation is something that needs to be looked upon closely.  It’s quite annoying that as early as now, some presidentiables are already advertising their candidacies.

They know that people would be reminded every now and then of their ’sincere’ propaganda for the country by constant exposure such as the advertisement, which is proven to be effective.

In the face of global economic depression and morality decreasing to the bottom, I can’t blame why some of our fellowmen are revolting against and questioning the status quo. They are the ones in the streets, bringing along with them placards, fighting against cops and militaries,  shouting to the world “MAMAMAYAN NG BAYAN, NATUTONG LUMABAN, DAHIL SA KAHIRAPAN…”..they are the ones called the “leftists”…

Being a student journalist, I’ve been exposed to the social realities of the country and I am very much aware of  how’s life going on for the marginalized people.

It breaks my heart and I know I can do something for them, if given the chance.

And I know that the chance lies on the next year..in our votes…

Election time is only the time when all of us are equal. No one is poor or rich enough to amend the rules of this event. Each of us got only ONE vote which serves as our ticket to CHANGE!!

And as a first time voter in the 2010 elections, I sincerely hope that each of us will do our part and take our chance to somehow uplift the condition of our country.

We are intelligent voters and we should look closely not only on what politicians broadcast to the world but also weigh facts and not be dominated by our biases.

Who knows, this time around, BAKA MAY AASAHAN TAYO SA DARATING NA ELEKSYON…

Let’s just keep our fingers crossed.

I didn’t know…

That you were holding yourself back

To not talk to me and let me know you’re still alive

So that you could very well provide me with the distance I asked from you.

I didn’t know…

That you think I am okay now

With everything I’m busy with

And with every picture I’m smiling in.

I didn’t know…

That you really wanted me to divert my full attention to other things

Because that’s what you think of as the better scenario.

I didn’t know…

That you never wanted to burden me with what I feel by sticking around

To stay beside me still while I’m struggling with what I feel.

I didn’t know…

That you think I’m still in pain now

Though not as much pain as what I felt before.

I didn’t know…

That like me, you also don’t know what to do

And you feel sorry for that.

I didn’t know

That after all this time,

You still hold on to the hope that someday,

Maybe, everything would be the same as it was before.

And I didn’t know…

That for you, losing me hurts even more

Than losing all of your previous paramours…

* How will I know? You never told me…

I woke up early this day due to my dad’s wake up call. It’s his 47th birthday today and we already agreed last night that the whole family will be attending the 6:30 a.m. mass.

And so I hurriedly jumped out of my bed, headed to the bathroom, washed and dressed up for church.

For me, it is a family day, really and nothing else.

But minutes after, I’ve realized that this day marks the fifth month of having a life minus you.

It amazes me how I give so much important when the month reaches its 19th day. It reminds me how easy it is for you to just forget everything and let me go my own way. At the same time, it reminds me of how much I have to struggle just to be alright. Shet, nagkamang jud tawon ko na siko ang gamit just to somehow survive.

November 19, 2008.

I can still vividly remember how my ***less life started. And yeah, I can’t forget that it was, after all, my own decision. You never forced me into this. In fact, you never gave me the “cold shoulder” treatment that you used to give your previous paramours when you feel like “slipping away” from them. You were always sweet and kind to me. And ironically, those things kill me. Not because I don’t want them. It’s because I want them so much but I know they don’t come with an assurance from you that those things were “for real”.

And so, I had to make a choice. After the retreat, I knew God was talking to me and He tells me that I had to shut you out of my system or else, I would just go on uncertain forever.

With a heavy heart, I laid down all my cards for you. Crying was never part of the plan, but, you witnessed how tears rolled down my cheeks while struggling to tell you how I feel. I remembered you were shocked. Maybe, it was really never your intention to inflict pain on me but nonetheless, you did. And it’s more painful than you could ever imagine.

Maybe you don’t really have an articulate grasp of how it went for me. I was pained because of the fact that really, it was so easy for you to let go of me and of what we had. It’s as if I don’t matter at all to you. Guess you we’re never really afraid of losing me. Yeah right. Para sa imo, wala lang jud to tanan, while sa ako, mao na jud to sa akong ginhawa.

Five months of bliss and joy and ‘kilig’ feeling, we parted ways then.

Then, five months after that “breakup”, kumusta na man ko?

Well, I wonder if I ever cross your mind and think about how I am doing beacuse I ALWAYS wonder what you’re up to. And being the one who initiated the “breakup”, it would be funny and awkward to casually ask you “kumusta?”. So I just made do with the hopeful thinking that you’re fine.

It was really a challenge for me to go on normally. Unlike other girls who freeze and would not function well after having their hearts devastatingly broken, I stood up and proven the world wrong. I occupied myself with things worthy of my time and attention. You know that I always manage to do well in school but after that fateful day, I told myself that “Magpakashatter sa ko tibuok prelims beh..bagsakon sa nako akong prelims kay magwallow sa ko sa akong pain..” See, it was my first real heartbreak…and these things are new to me…

But then, the ‘pagpapakashatter’ never happened. Something from within pulls me back to the real world again. I did my best to ace the quizzes and exams. I gave all my effort in making my projects and wrote codes for my system projects. And so, if you will only base on my grades, they won’t tell you how distracted I am. My grades are not the ones you can say “skyrocketingly high” but considering what I went through and how nosebleed my course is, I am so proud of myself for achieving above-average grades.

Then, there’s the school paper. Controversial issues rise every now and then. In an effort to be active and not to mention, productive, I rose up to the call of duty. I hated idle time because I know what would occupy my mind immediately so I tried to be very busy with writing. And it helped. I felt better.

Now, a lot of opportunities await me. Next school year, it’s a  “make or break”. I’ll be taking the dreaded major subject in the CS Division. I’ll be handling a major position in the school paper. Needless to say, I’ll be very busy.

I go by day by day with one motto to live by and that is “Ang malas sa lovelife, swerte sa career.”

I know I sound like I’m sourgraping but it would be so much better if I’ll just keep my eyes on the things that would help me grow. At least, if I invest my time and effort to those things, I’ll immediately get my desired results. Unlike in investing time to human attachments, definitely, pain and hurts would always be just around the corner.

I’m busy. That’s pretty much obvious to say. That’s a positive effect, but it also comes with a downside.

I’ve become very cautious when it comes to men. But instead of staying away from them, what I do is just ride on and make sure na sila ang kiligon, sila ang mahulog…sa mutagam lang…

A few came after you, promising me to stitch me back to my best state. And much as I want to feel things for them, I simply could not.

It seems like…you still hold my heart…and God knows when will be the perfect time to have it back…

haaaaaiiiiii….

GOODBYE TO YOU by MICHELLE BRANCH

Of all the things I’ve believed in I just want to get it over with
Tears form behind my eyes but I do not cry
Counting the days that pass me by

I’ve been searching deep down in my soul
Words that I’m hearing are starting to get old
Feels like I’m starting all over again
The last three years were just pretend
And I said

Goodbye to you
Goodbye to everything I thought I knew
You were the one I loved
The one thing that I tried to hold on to

I USED TO get lost in your eyes and it seems that I can’t live a day without you
Closing my eyes and you chase my thoughts away
To a place where I am blinded by the light but it’s not right

Goodbye to you
Goodbye to everything I thought I knew
You were the one I loved
The one thing that I tried to hold on to
Ooh

And it hurts to want everything and nothing at the same time
I want what’s yours and I want what’s mine
I want you but I’m not giving in this time

Goodbye to you
Goodbye to everything I thought I knew
You were the one I loved
The one thing that I tried to hold on to

Goodbye to you
(Goodbye to you)
Goodbye to everything I thought I knew
(Goodbye to you)
You were the one I loved
The one thing that I tried to hold on to
(The one thing that I tried to hold on to)
The one thing that I tried to hold on to
(The one thing that I tried to hold on to)
Oh whoa
The one thing that I tried to hold on to

And when the stars fall I will lie awake
You’re my shooting star

————————————————————

Above is the lyrics to a song I never really paid so much attention to until you.

You don’t probably remember that this song was played on air the second time we met.
It was in NCCC Uyanguren, while I was paying for the purple poster color and you were waiting for me to finish paying for it.

That time, I sang along with it since I know the lyrics, not knowing that barely months after, I’ll be singing it with all my heart because the song is now for you. That time, I had no plans yet to stop whatever we had. That time, still fresh from the hospital, I still can see how much you care.That time, the moment was so perfect that I was smiling all the way home.

That time, I thought we could last forever. It just seemed so right having you around, spending time with you, eating with you and having you pay for the iced tea, getting lost in the store with you, laughing with you since both of us didn’t know where we are heading to.

I could say it was really the first time I experienced ‘kilig’ in its truest sense. I was even ready to walk the streets from Uyanguren to Roxas instead of riding the jeepney because it didn’t really matter to me. It would have been my pleasure since my time with you could have been extended, to hell with ‘pamaol’. But then, back to our rational minds, we decided to cancel the idea of a walkathon. You were in a hurry, that’s why.

I thought I could get used to that.

Hmm…I can vividly remember that the meeting was not planned. It just happened that we’re both in downtown that time, I’m disappointed with my debate-partner-to-be’s no-show, and you were to practice for your cheer dance but before that, you have to buy your earrings first and probably new badminton rackets.

Early morning on the day that followed, you called me up. You were shocked to know I’m already awake by then. You were still on your way home since you played DOTA all night in a cafe. Maybe the act was just nothing to you, but it took me to heights of happiness I never thought I could reach. See, I really am naive.

I really have a lot of dreams about you and me and happy endings too. But maybe, reality is larger than make-believes.

Alright, so this happened many months ago.

What’s the sense of posting this entry?

Maybe it would help me feel better. Though I know that everything would be just a thing in the past, I would just like to remind myself that yes, for a moment in time, you made me feel happy and special, UNINTENTIONALLY.

You already know how I feel, but not everything. I don’t want to force the issue so I respected your decision when you told me you weren’t ready to be bothered by hearing the WHOLE TRUTH.

Let’s leave it at that.

Four months of a life minus you, I heard the song play again. It made me smile at the thought of our NCCC encounter, while bittersweet memories followed after. Really, I can’t deny how much I let myself run wild in emotions I should have not felt for you. I basked myself in the wishful thinking that there really is “something” only to find out that there really is none. Not even a speck. Not even a bit. Not even at all.

And so, I’m singing this song now to convince myself that “goodbyes are not created for nothing; they really end something”.

I thought I would shed tears while writing this, but I disappointed myself. More than ever, now is the time that I can say I’m slowly getting over the pain. I’ve come to terms with myself. I don’t have to beat myself up for a decision I made four months ago because really, it was for THE BEST. I had a life to live, and I have to live it to the fullest. Even without you.

I’m starting fresh all over again. If you happen to read this, will you please pray that I can live life better now? If you will, I’m thanking you for that.

To wrap up what could be my “closure” post about this issue, I would just want to say THANK YOU since everything I’ve learned of love, I’ve learned because of you. See, without you knowing it, you changed me. I never would have experienced bliss if not for you. THANK YOU, really.

Then, SORRY. Sorry for dragging you on my troublesome life. Sorry for defining my happiness and strength as “YOU”. Sorry for bothering you with the pain you don’t need. Yes, I know it’s not only me who was hurt. Partly, I know, you also had your share of the pain, but it’s only me who was totally shattered. Sorry for losing you because we know that staying would mean losing myself too. I’m so sorry. And I mean it.

Lastly, GOODBYE. Both of us would have to move on, especially me. I’m missing you but I just have to take it. I never really learned how it is to let go, but I’m adamant to perfect the art of it. I miss you so much I can’t stand it at times. But see, I have to be strong. I have to stick to my decision. I have to say GOODBYE because maybe, this is the only way to my destiny.

It’s foolishness to say I can forget you. We both know I never will. But maybe, there’s nothing that time can’t heal. Someday, I would just wake up not thinking about you because God would reveal to me His reasons why I have to meet you and why I have to let you go.

So, GOODBYE TO YOU….

I’ve always loved writing.

There’s something that comforts me from scribbling down my thoughts on crumpled intermediate paper and reading what I wrote down. Most often than not, I catch myself laughing because I find those write-ups ‘funny’.

People describe me as a writer, and is even called “Goddess of Words” by my college friends. But I don’t really think I will make a career out of it. I used to view this as something like a hobby and something I can turn to so I won’t have an idle time. And yes, it’s where I diverted my attention upon having my heart broken, aside from getting real busy with my studies. I told myself “Ang hindi ko maiyak, isusulat ko na lang..” In a way, it made me feel better.

But before I became the super writer I’m viewed by many today, this girl has a mouthful to say. Really, I’ve come a long way. I’ve experienced a lot of things and felt a lot of human emotions because of this.

I won.

I failed.

I stood up again.

But all of those things made me only better. And credit goes to God alone.

Having the time to clean my almost-always-messy room, I came across a story (or novel?) I made way back Grade 4. it’s about an orphan haciendera finding out her aunt wants her dead, and then she found her knight in shining armor in the form of a family friend who turns out to be her love interest. Then, in Grade 6, I have this “Ang Munting Sirena” series which I wrote in, believe it or not, two and a half 80 pages writing notebook. I tried finishing the story when I was in first year high school but sadly, I just didn’t know how to provide an ending.

I noticed that even at an early age, I already have a fetish for the English language. I wrote stories and poems in English even in my elementary years and admittedly, the grammar is too bad. Though one can understand that the plot is a love story and very dramatic at that, still, it’s comic relief all in all. Aside from the grammatically wrong and poorly-constructed sentences, I struggled to provide illustrations, hence, the asymmetrical drawings and disproportional bubble diagrams for the characters’ dialogs.

It may look so childish but those I have written way back when I was so much younger make me smile. They somehow become sources of my pride and joy. They are the ones that I cherish the most with their flaws and all because they  made me realize that I have once became a child who has a lot of potentials but wasn’t aware that she is a budding artist. I was just so eager to explore the field even if I don’t know any of its technical guidelines. For a beginner, committing mistakes is part and parcel of it all. Something forgivable, I guess.

As I got older, I can say that I’ve improved. I’ve seen my grammar getting better write-up after write-up. My topics became serious, it doesn’t just revolve around the boy-meets-girl level; it transcended into more in depth and societal issues I’ve always loved tackling.

So in high school, when we were in our senior year, the IV-Rizal was assigned to take charge of the school paper. I became the feature/literary editor alongside my best friends Issang and Balot, and two other classmates. We take pride of what we created and gained compliments for it. But then, DSPC happened. I was the first bet for the copy-reader position, but they reconsidered. Why? My handwriting is too small that according to them, the judges won’t even bother reading it. In short, they thought that I’ll fail the school. So I got replaced.

The participants were excused on the actual days of competition, and I was left with my pride and ego shattered. The pain was so real. I was so disheartened I can’t think of any way to be okay but cry.

I thought I have an ace in writing and it would take me to places but I had second thoughts after that. It took me a while before going back to writing. I always say to myself “I don’t excel in it, so what’s the use?” when our paper adviser assigns to me a topic and I need to come up with an article ASAP. But then, I have realized that I can always do better and that I become a better servant for my craft mistake after mistake. It’s not like degrading me and my inclination towards this artistry.

Devastated about what happened, I went out of my way to prove that I have a place in the writing world. I joined essay writing contests. And won First place. Second place. Third place. With corresponding cash prizes.

Then, I applied for Davao Catholic Herald’s correspondent. They pay me for each article I submit, and not to mention, rubbed elbows with some of the most famed writers in Davao.

I’m supposed to take up AB English major in Creative Writing in UP Mindanao but my parents didn’t approve of it. They gave me reasons that made me reconsider.

So I took an entirely different route.

But my passion for it stays with me. it’s too strong to even deny.

Now in college, even if I’m enrolled in a techie plus business course, I involved myself in the division publication, the HardCopy. I tested the waters again through the 10th Ateneo Writers Workshop last summer. I submitted 5 poems and a short story, which had me roasted by the whole Davao Writers Guild. Haha! They gave criticisms to make me grow as an artist. I have learned a lot of tips from that workshop but admittedly it made me say “Oww…di sa ko magsulat!! Not after two years!“. It’s because I felt as if I’m so thick-faced to proclaim “I can write” when i fact, I’m still like a dork trying on a pencil to perfectly scribble the vowels on the blue-red-blue lines of a paper.

But then, doors have opened after that workshop. Banaag Diwa, the school’s literary folio, accepted my entries and those were right away published. Next thing, the school paper, ATENEWS. It’s a tough climb uphill to reach the spot for staff writer and I’m the happiest to know I made it. I’m a bit timid at first but now, I went out of my shell and got so involved. So watch out for the next issue release!
Though I don’t show my feelings towards this thing, I’m happy I can write. To write is already to choose. To write is to assume the responsibility of informing the public and not offering them half-baked pieces.

Hmm…I may not admit it to most, but probably, I am ‘emo’ even before the word was coined and had been passed from mouth to mouth.

That may explain why my writing revolves around pent-up human emotions left unexpressed.

Through writing, I can very well say that I am expressing who I am and make people realize that there’s more to me than what could meet the eye.

Don’t get me wrong. I’m not bragging here. I would just like to share to the world how far I’ve come and that we all take a different path to follow but in our heart of hearts, what we truly love remains.

That’s writing for me.

We used to be three little girls. Inquisitive, wide-eyed, full of life. Carefree, witty, oblivious of what’s in store for us.

Every summer vacation, we would come together in the Dacoville house and spend time having a lot of fun.

We would attend Flores de Mayo, watch Cinderella cartoons (the one showed by ABS-CBN on their 10 a.m. airtime), climb up in the guava tree in the yard and play bulak-bulakay with our made-up cards.

We would  also fight over things such as whose turn is it to wash the dishes or which position one takes in the cushion as we sleep. We compete over who drinks milk the fastest to who can recite the lines in the play we’ll perform during the culmination of Flores de Mayo.

We were really typical little girls way back then. Years ago, we didn’t give a damn about growing up. We were such not on a hurry.

But then, things changed.

We grew up.

And nothing’s ever be the same.

Now, the two of them are already married.

Ate Claire to Kuya Leo, April of last year.

And just this year, exactly 5 days ago, on Valentine’s Day, Ate Joy married Kuya Mike.

Watching her walk down the aisle while waiting at the side since that’s what the wedding planner told the entourage, I can’t help but get teary-eyed. Truly, we won’t be playmates anymore. Playing jackstone or engaging in movie marathons with me will become the least of her concerns. She has now a family of her own to take care of.  She has to take responsibilities to her husband and their coming baby.

I think they do practice parenthood with Ate Claire’s 6-month old baby Lian, who never fails to sweep off every member of the family with her innocent laughter and pretty face.

I realized that my two older cousins are already on another (and higher) stage of life. They have made a life-changing choice to be bound to someone who loves them and whom they love.  With God’s blessing, they each have a contribution to the world (though Ate Joy’s is still yet to come out).

Although they married young, I have faith in my cousins that they will do well in their being wives and mothers. All will be well…

Being the youngest among us three, marriage is the farthest thing on my mind. I still have my studies to focus on. I still have to pass my major subjects, graduate then go and get a job that suits my course.

I still have my whole life ahead of me. I want to take things one step at a time.

Sure, I also want to settle down but I’ll do this when I can already be on my feet. The happiness of my immediate family is what I’ll prioritize first before my own.

So, no wedding next year that will have me as the bride.

Not yet…..

If God will handpick me among the rest of humanity for my one wish be granted, I would not think twice and ask Him right then and there if I can see the blueprint of my life. I know, somehow, it will spill the adventure of being alive and striving to survive, but at times, I just want to see where I am going when nothing seems  to be going right–my school life is  so  lame,  my family is at times a mess, I’m up to no good and there are people who enjoy making life harder for me..

i would love to just take a look, to sneak a peak, to basically have a slight idea where I am going. Sometimes, I feel I’m in a wrong track and that I can’t turn back because I went too far already.  Whew.

But I know only too well. Of course, it won’t happen. God is mystery and as His beloved children, we are a part of that “wonderful” mystery. So Maris, might as well enjoy the thrill!

If asked right here and now, these are my answers.

6. INTERNET. How it made school life easier is the biggest bite. I can do my research with just a few keystrokes and then click on sites I would want to visit. Next thing I know, I already have the information I need! And of course, my social life is active because of it (Friendster, Tagged, YM) though it means having to stay up late at night because I’m too hooked up!

5. TECHNOLOGY. Life’s easier with this and everyone agrees. it saves lives. it saves us from boredom. it is what makes the world evolve. Sadly, people abuse it thus, it becomes a source of conflict. Oh well, it all boils down to one’s discipline, dear.

4. NATURE. One look and every possible worries I have will be swept away! It really is a refreshing sight that calms my nerves especially during times of pressure, stress and heavy demands. Sometimes, i just want to be one with nature so that I would just be a source of inspiration and that I can control human beings, I mean, who can go against me when I decide to hit back through tsunamis, floods earthquake and the like? Haha. Seriously, I just admire its beauty. At its purest.

3. MUSIC. It really is everywhere. One can’t escape it even if one tries to. The chirping of the bird is a form of music. The composition of an RnB artist also is. Although what is considered beautiful are the kinds that goes with the mainstream society, there are also the kinds that may be considered underground..but still are foods for the soul.

2. PEOPLE. How we act, speak, think and feel fascinates me. Our ego, human nature and sinfulness could somehow amuse me in a way that it keeps me thinking how able we are to think that we can control our lives. We’re not that strong, though, to have that prerogative. We are under a higher power that is the source of everything. One more thing, I’m amazed how we can easily hurt other people with our mere indifference and wrong doings. And yet, we choose not to see it most of the time. Well, there’s always the law of gravity. “WHAT goes up must come down”! And I fully support it.

1. GOD. Wow. Can’t say a word. it might understate His greatness. I am just very happy I know HIm and He’s in my heart. I love You Lord. My heart belongs to You. And if ever time comes you will it that I give it to someone You have chosen for me, just give me the go signal, okay?